What a bittersweet time. Things are touch and go right now with my emotions. I've been looking forward to Seth starting Kindergarten and Abby going to five day a week pre-school. But, now it's here. I have a work schedule that has me working more day/morning hours so I can pick Seth up from school and even get home to put the kids to bed some. It all worked out how I had hoped. And I WAS so excited to start this new adventure. Now it's here. I'm happy and I'm sad. I've cried several times today and I'm about to cry again now.
I'm excited because I know Seth is totally prepared for Kindergarten. He had the best preschool teacher to get him where he needs to be. He is socially ready. He is excited to learn! I couldn't ask for more from him. Yes, he went to preschool for 2 years! And last year he was there 5 half days a week! So why is this so different?
I read a blog to new kindergarten moms. It talked about this being a celebration for us moms. Not that we have a few hours to maybe clean without kids in the house, or sit down for 5 minutes without ANY sound in the house, but a celebration that we prepared our children for the beginning of their journey. I feel great about how prepared he is. I'm proud of Seth and I as parents for the struggles we've endured (so far). How much we've grown and learned in raising our son (so far). I am happy to have those few minutes of quiet. But I'm sad.
When I first had my kids, everyone told me, "it goes so fast." I was not a fan of people "putting their feelings on me." I wanted to figure it all out. I didn't want to hear "wait until he starts..." I wanted to enjoy what was going on then. I thought, "that might not happen with mine," or "maybe I won't feel that way." Well, I do, and it does go by fast. And it's not like I won't see my son every day and experience all the new exciting things with him. But I'm sad because I don't know if I took FULL advantage of the time I had him home. I can only imagine how working mothers feel. I do a lot with my kids, but as a mom I question "did I do enough?" And then I think to a conversation I recently had with a friend when I said "but do you remember the things you didn't do or didn't get as a kid?" I don't. I remember the fun things we did as a family. The special trips to the toy store. Saving my money and quarters and pennies to buy that plastic charm necklace and charm clips to put on it. And that wasn't just handed to me and it obviously meant more to me. So I guess I need to keep telling myself that.
Seth is prepared for school. He's so excited to learn. He is so outgoing and great at talking to people, kids and adults. He's not thinking about the last 5 years and what I didn't do with him. He's looking at what's ahead and how much fun he's going to have. So I guess I need to keep thinking about the fun things ahead. I'm doing the best job I can. I'm keeping busy while the kids are in school - God knows I'd go crazy if I wasn't busy! So tomorrow I will try so hard not to cry in front of him. I will send him into school thankful for what a special boy he is and how happy he is. Thankful for how far we have come with him. Thankful that we have this son that we can continue to make memories with. And then...I'll take Abby, stop at Starbucks, and go to work for a few hours.
And then...we'll pick him up with balloons and go get him a special treat to remember his first day of school. Because those are the happy memories I want to make with him, not the sad mom crying ones...
